I’ve been neglecting my writing lately but not on purpose. I literally crave writing articles and just letting loose on the blog; I am just a perfectionist and don’t want anything posted that isn’t of quality or thought provoking. And if I am being quite honest I have NOT been in the right frame of mind to be grammatically correct. A lot of the time I just write with a goal of getting my thoughts and feelings down. Other times I try to stir those stories into articles with purpose for you guys to read. However, I wanted to first touch base in a way that I really haven’t before on the blog.
I want to take a moment to be more personal.
This past year I struggled. I struggled with family, I struggled at work and I struggled at home. My battles have been mostly mental, getting through things that have happened in the past. But also forging ways to move forward with only the people who facilitate my happiness. Ive changed spaces a handful of times, been in and out of a long relationship, and have had to create a pad for me to be creative in. This year I have gained and lost friends. I have learned more about the people I hold close and have made cuts and edits based off of how they made me feel and added to my life. I only deal with people who match my energy, whether it be family or friends; and at this point in my life I feel like all toxins have been cut out. Some things simply fell out because of a huge lack in communication. But you guys see who you are dealing with, I don’t talk about anything ever with anyone. It has been one of my biggest challenges this year. Coming to a point of understanding about how I may have influenced a situation is on of my hardest acquired skills. I never thought I was wrong for anything I did and have been simply careless in the past for my involvement in events. However more recently I have been working to be accountable for things I may have said or done, and ultimately is has brought me great relief.
As life happens I’ve realized how easy it is to lose touch. With those around you, with yourself, and with your mental image of your life. We pay such close attention to the happenings of everyday and lose track of just how rapidly we are each changing. So many negative things bombard us everyday and we are changed by our experiences whether it is physically or mentally, and this year I have changed immensely. Even in the event of gaining and losing friends. I’ve lost friends who are amazing people - that I hope I can rekindle a friendship with in the future. Those relationships have caused change as well, awareness if you will. Friends trickle down after everything is considered and through it all I can honestly say that I have learned so much. I have also lost so much in my learning.
Love is also something that I have dabbled in a lot this year, more-so than other years. I’ve come to the conclusion that it is because I am becoming more and more of who I am supposed to be. I have been so concerned with my “partner” and who I feel like fits the mold of what I have always dreamed, but have lost myself in doing this. I lost a relationship I hold closer to myself than any other in my life, while searching for a feeling of happiness I’ve learned is manifested within me. I have let new people in my life who made me feel alive but who also opened curiosities that I have never explored. I ventured into my gender fluidity this year, being more open with myself in ways I never thought I would be. Simply giving into a thought and feeling I figured would make me feel whole. But ultimately I have become more lost than ever. Currently I am not with anyone which I think is best and fulfilling, but I am so hurt and sad with myself for the way I handled my relationships in the past. I have a clearer understanding of what I want and need, but at this point I am so shattered that I am abandoning the idea all together at this moment.
With all of this going on I have had such a hard time getting it down and I apologize to you guys for that. My goal here on the blog is to inspire others in telling my story and I’ve failed at that recently by allowing myself to hide in my shell. I hope that in reading what I wrote you reflect on your own position and really think about what makes YOU happy, and affirm who YOU really are . Think about the people surrounding you and truly live in the path of the life you want to manifest for yourself. If there is anything that I have learned and explored the most at 25 it is that. I am committing to me for a little while, and setting a goal to get my heart down on paper for you guys and me. It really helps me understand the things happening around me when I write, so I am vowing to that for the blog and for my mental health.
P.s. Please feel free to comment some thoughts. If you have a question, ask it - I am answering everything in the comments! OH, and please do not hesitate to share your experience as well. Connecting with you guys is why I write.